Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Restless

Came back from sch quite early today, but didn't step through the door. Saw the windows still open, so i figured probably my mom is still home. I kinda prefer to be alone when i'm back home, for a particular reason. Usually I would have juz step through the door, but today i'm abit tired to get home. So ended up wandering around my area alone, without any aim.

Was headed for Liang's Court. Along the way, passed through Subordinate Court and Juvenile Court. Saw an art figurine erected outside the juvenile court that portrays a family. I thought it's kinda lame. The cold, stone piece of "art" couldn't really portray family warmth, esp when it's placed outside a Juvenile Court.

Then bypassed MOM and reached boat quay. Walked thru the shophouses by the river. The scenery is good, and it's strange how gentle wind always visit the riverside, amongst scenery. I thought I'll walk by Futures, Zouk or some popular clubs that people around my age goes. Might be good to know their exact location, even if i don't go clubbing. Well, I didn't really find them in the end. So juz headed on to Liang's Court.

I noticed alot of Japanese products sold at Liang's Court. Last time I went, there was some heavy renovations. Now most of the stuffs are up and running, but the lack of crowd makes one wonder if the storeowners there actually have to do money laundering to earn a living. Anyway, I was looking for somewhere that sells European Boardgames cheaply there, which I heard from my ex-colleague. Strangely, I don't find it there. So I had to return empty-handed.

On the way back, I thought I'll take a walk pass OneSeven, a gay spa that a friend told me about damn long ago. The last time i walked by with my friend many years ago, we were like spotting some really bo liao people sitting across the road, commenting and laughing away as they watch some guys goes in and out of the spa centre at night. I thought it's kinda annoying that there are such discriminating people around in the world. Yet, it's equally saddening that these gays actually frequent these spas, largely in mind of looking for a one-night stand... or at least, that's the story I heard about of these gay spas from Internet and some gay friends. Anyway, I did see a guy walking out of the door. The outside doesn't even catch the eyes. Bored, I went over to the opposite street where there's a SAFRA branch.

The outside looks somewhat more interesting, with posters of some WOW competitions and stuffs. I didn't go in either. Doesn't look like anyone goes there, since it's so deserted. With that, I walked further down to Chinatown Point, bought a cup of The Ultimate ice-blended mocha from the CoffeeBean there (which I've been resisting to get, since i saw a frap equivalent at Starbucks earlier at Liang's Court). That concludes me wandering around today, and it took only slightly more than an hr, which I assume any Dragon year ppl would chastize me wasting so much time that could be used for studying.

Sometimes, I kinda wish I'm juz like everyone else, and stop thinking too much. Be more easily pleased by being around the opposite sexes, or go shopping, go clubbing, craptalks, etc. At least, most of my peers seems to be enjoying these. But I guess I don't fit very well into all these. I'm more likely to drown myself out in music and philosophizing, like what I'm doing now. Trying to find some meanings for what I'm doing now.

Shrug. I think I'm starting to sound like I'm going through some mid-life crisis, which i'm trying to avoid in this blog. Think will stop here.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Forbidden Love vs. Ever-changing Love

A couple of things goes through my mind today. What's worse? Forever waiting for a chance at forbidden love, or an entire lifetime of changing love partners?

I'm more of a victim of the former, so I know what it's like. Not intending to delve into my personal relationship stories, but it sometimes got me thinking about it, when i keep hearing stories from media/friends/etc about them having broke up with their bf/gf, or them into a new relationship again. The latter tends to have their cycle repeated again and again, until they are fortunately/unfortunately married, or they totally "give up" on relationships altogether when they are finally too old and ugly to fall in love at cup noodles speed.

Sometimes, I feel that it's so unfair that people can keep trying to find their happily ever after, while i need to think a million times over to landing my aim on someone, cos there's a high price to pay. But I can't exactly say I'm that envious of people who are free to love and end up changing their special someone on a monthly or yearly basis... sometimes even weekly basis.

So which is better?

I'll opt for forbidden love. Like I always answer my friends when they ask me why i finish up all the vegetables, soups and wad's not before the chicken chop, "Save the best for the last". At least, somehow I hope that there's another person who also made the same choice, and someday we'll meet. Beats having luxurious cup noodles everyday. But that's my opinion. If you have to be one, which would you be?

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'm unusually inspired for the past 2 days, esp after watching one of the advertisements that someone posted on facebook.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Qd7qeSd0Y

I probably watched this ad at least 20 times over since last night. Story's about the a deaf girl learning violin, and was looked down upon by her rich, snob peer. The piece played throughout the ad was Canon in D. Loved the part when the deaf street basker, her soulmate who earns a living via playing violin, gave her the advice: "Why do you have to be like the others? Music is a visible thing. Close your eyes and you'll see it." The last half of the ad was abit more dramatic, with her playing the violin, recalling all the hardships she went through, the breeze across a field of gold and... most commented, her hair flying all around her face. On the thought of it now, it's actually kinda funny, but I see it as an abstraction of the state of euphoria induced by music. Of cos, it all ended with a somewhat anti-climate "Pantene - You can shine too", though i'm thankful the wording was only for 3 seconds, and it doesn't feel like it's an ad very related to shampoo.

These days, I've been trying to get back to songwriting but somehow, no words would come out. If I try to force it out, it sounds kinda unsincere and awkward with the phrasing. I don't even get alot of melodies in my mind these days either. I still remember I used to be predominantly depressed many years back, but that was also when I got so much inspirations. Somewhere along the line, I wanna try to be more optimistic/happier, like everyone else, and that's when I stop to "feel" so much, that I guess I could say I'm now somewhat numb already. It's as if I've lost a painful part of myself, which actually I treasure. Something like addicted to pain. I dunno. Kinda hard to put into words.

Maybe will read back into some of my private blog entries and see if I can find some inspirations from past happenings. Or perhaps someone could gimme a pleasant surprise...?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Obligations

In the business world, there are alot of obligations: The economical obligations to stakeholders, the legal obligations to the local law, the social obligations to the customers, etc. Some are written black and white. Some are communicated verbally. And there are others that are intrinsic.

The latter is the one that's the most dangerous everyday social relationships. In courtship, people carries expectation for each other, expecting their partners to be absolutely faithful, binding and be able to understand them and be understanding and caring to each other. The slightest incident, or even just one party having a bad day could juz ruin a relationship, juz because the other party didn't feel cared, felt betrayed, etc. In family, parents have high expectations for their kids, sometimes it's for themselves, and other times it's for them or the whole family. Kids by nature already carry with them a burden they do not have an option to let go, unless they denounce their family. As for amongst friends, we form expectations of each other, like "A good friend is someone who is there for me whenever I need them, and will go through hot and cold together". But when their friend/s are weighed by their own burdens that they cannot fulfill these expectations, they'll see people in a different light.

Quite some time ago, one of my poly days friend kept in touch with me. Of the stuffs we spoke about, she recalled that I had a good friend during poly days. Strangely, I couldn't recall that, other than the fact that I've been mostly a loner before coming into university. She said that there's this other guy name KC, who hanged out with me most of the time. Then I remembered. He was someone whom I really trust alot. He was a gd friend, who would meet me up in sch whenever I'm free. Then, I couldn't remember was it during 2nd year or the final year, everyone was rushing projects. There was one of the evening in sch when I was really frustrated with all the hectic rushing of projects through several nights, project group meetups, missing members and whatever that was happening at home at that point of time. He asked me for help one week before one of the project datelines, when i haven't even completed mine too. He asked that when I've just finished my project meeting and it was like 7pm in the sch lab already. He sounded damn desperate at that point of time. But it didn't got into me, cos i was overwhelmed with my own problems. I rejected to help him. I felt I need a break, and I also admit to being abit selfish that I had this thought: "Why should I help you to score, when it's not like after that anyone or even you could help me with my own projects? I'm just as desperate as you!". It was a mistake. Since after that day, he didn't initiate to meet me up. When we meet each other along the common corridor, he would say hi, but he wouldn't even talk more already. The look in his eyes was totally different, like as if i've become another passerby along the streets, rather than that of a friend. And I never did explain myself to him. Till this day, there are times when I felt that I could have averted that had I just helped him. But it's just not fair... I had my burdens too at that point of time, and I'm supposed to lose this friend just cos' I'm at my capacity already! After all the final year project submissions, I only remembered managing to find an abandoned stairway to cry. Over the lost of a friend. Over the likelihood of failing my FYPs. Over not being able to withstand more stress than I can. It rained in the later afternoon that day, and i had abit of a drink too.

The reason why I'm blogging about this topic is because I sensed I'm about to lose yet another friend this way, but this time with her putting too expectations on me, just because I'm capable of, just as my ex-buddy during poly days. Scenarios are abit different now though. Even though strictly speaking she's not my buddy as comparable to my ex-buddy, but i never like having enemies or having bad bloods with people. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it's really because she treats me as someone trustworthy, that she keeps asking me for help, or that I'm just a very reliable "tool". And truth is, I'm absolutely tired of everyone, friends and family putting their burdens onto me, just because they got no one else they can depend on. Expectations became obligations, and when i don't give them what they want, or fail to do it well, I'll take the blame. What am I? Batman, who has to face angry citizens even after saving Gotham City, filled with self-serving citizens? I am VERY angry now. What the hell am I supposed to do?