The Burden of Proof

It is easy to be a bad guy, by simply not attempting to explain myself anymore and walking away. I'm tired of having to always bear the burden of proof... to prove myself innocent, or reason for what I do. Even more tired is when the reasons for my act are not meant for the ears, or that exposing them could result in much greater trouble.

My mood hasn't been quite right for the past 1 week plus. Probably being emotionally tired about being obliged to duties in my club, expecting stress since i'm also taking a law subject this year, as well as family commitment which there is no way I can speak to any third party about. All these are wearing me down at the same time.

Club-wise, as I mentioned before, I think I'm pushed it abit too much that now the other exco clubmates are taking much of my duties, albeit with seemingly less trust in me now. To be honest, I'm not actually doing alot anymore, esp since after the most recent club event finally started and on the run already. But I'm still trying to push any little duties away just because I'm sick of it. Either that, or I took it very reluctantly.

Family-wise, i never have a family that really listen to me. They usually just want an ear, and want me to understand them and do their biddings, and usually I would end up starting a quarrel which end up me doing their biddings anyway, just because they got no one better to depend on. I don't have a choice. I'm an only child. And who said that an only child is spoilt? Of late, they got me to commit into something that I could not choose to refuse, and it's time consuming cos it'll easily take 3 - 4 hrs every night. And no, I'm not to tell anyone what's that. Am I supposed to tell that to a bunch of clubmates excos, who strictly speaking, we're not on the term yet to even start talking about heart-to-heart very personal stuffs? I'm not obliged to reveal my family problems to them, although they are not obliged to take my explanation.

So what happen this time? I think I'll just stop explaining for myself... at least in front of anyone. I'll keep my rantings to my blog. Let me be the bad guy. Not like telling the truth and exposing other people's secret actually makes me a good person anyway.

Enough about me.

I read a news earlier on about this NUS guy who ejaculated on a PRC lady. Already posted my comments and analysis there, under the alias Q-Square:

http://temasekreview.com/2009/09/24/top-nus-grad-chong-weien-jailed-for-ejaculating-onto-china-national/comment-page-1/#comment-29009

Here's the court statement: http://lwb.lawnet.com.sg/legal/lgl/rss/subcourts/63869.html

I personally thought there are still doubtful points in the circumstance evidences and victim's statement. But actually just looking at the brainless comments people make, most ppl are all too keen to place the burden of proof upon those with past record. People don't even read up the court statements, and too keen to give negative comments. What the society currently is, is no different from the era of time when people burn Joan of Arc on the stake. I digressed a wee too far, but I don't meant to say the judge is being completely irrational, given that most of the environmental evidences are infavorable to the accused, although not exceedingly. I'm just commenting about the people who made brainless comments.

I hope I really could get a respite from all these turmoils in my life soon, although being alive for 24 years taught me otherwise...

Inspirations for new songs?

It's like... 6.51am in the morning, and I'm still awake since last night. I guess my biological clock was ruined since I've been having this cycle previously as a result of home commitments and club commitments. Sometimes, life don't give you a break, but I try not to break anyone else as a result of my own commitments. I think I'm pushing it abit too much when I'm making things difficult for some people by fussing about the amount of workload I have. But I can't help to worry that if things continue the way it is now, I wouldn't be able to cope with my studies... Not to mention I might not even be able to pay up for my third year studies... Need to earn as much as I can to offset the amount of financial support my parents need to give me...

My mom just woke up. Glad she finally slept well last night. And suddenly, she's in the mood for morning walk in the hillpark behind my house. Thought I'll accompany her so it's safer. So should be leaving home anytime now. Will be back for... sleep, after the walk. I'm in the mood to take a walk too. There's alot of things on my mind, but I think a morning walk is a good source of inspiration for songwriting. Haven't wrote a single piece in years. Maybe too much braincells died after exams, insomnia, army and the process of "growing up", that tunes no longer automatically appear in my mind anymore. My world has become so... disenchanted.

I've finished watching 仙剑奇侠传3 over a week ago. I seldom take note of the musics from Mainland China. Heard some good songs from there. This one touches me the most, since it reminds me of a past relationship many years ago that I have yet to completely let go off my mind:

郑中基 - 答应不爱你

明明爱很清晰 却又接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 爱早已融入呼吸
不存在的存在心底

虽然很努力 练习着忘记
我的心却还没答应可以放弃了你
真的对不起 答应了你不再爱你
我却还没答应我自己

明明爱很清晰 却要接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 就让爱融入空气
不存在的存在心底

说好要忘记 偏偏又想起
原来我的心还没有答应放弃了你
真的对不起 虽然曾经答应了你
我却还没答应我自己
却又如何真的不爱你

Rantings

There's just too much commitments. Just can't breath. It's not helping when there are things which I can't say, or commitments which I don't get to let go off. Things are just... thrusted upon me, like i'm the only saint who can save the world.

7.03am. What kinda of person is awake through the night working at home? Just done with some commitment stuffs at home. I haven't slept since last night, and now i'm wide awake. Or maybe, i'm not even sure if i really have a fix sleeping time anymore. Actually, this has been my cycle for the past 1 week plus. Having a headache now. I surely don't mind a panadol overdose. To make things worse, my hp would ring juz when i'm going to fall asleep, only to be disturbed by trivia matters. Of course, I couldn't blame others since how many ppl actually slept at 7am in the morning and only awake at 6pm in the evening?

Mood: Bad.

Song in my mind at the moment: Elephant (Damien Rice)

Well this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top

Well, you can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why'd you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
Is easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
Or d'you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me thorny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

Power - A Double Edged Sword

Just came back from singing class today. Other than a few minor hiccups throughout the day due to inexperience, I think it still ended reasonably well.

Today, I feel like talking about power. Holding power is good. It gives you authority over matters, and whatever you say, people respect/forced to respect you because of your position. You can brag to all your friends that you're someone important somewhere now. And at the end of the whole thing, it also goes on paper so you can show off to your future employers.

But I never loved power, as contrast to most people these days. I've made it clear during my excos interview that I'm NOT interested in being exco, but i'm willing to help out in whichever way necessary. Somehow, that got me in. Nevermind that now. Anyway, with power comes responsibilities. Life starts to change for me. Suddenly, I've to start making decisions for things. Suddenly, I need to take initiatives to support the president in whichever ways possible. And due to added responsibilities, sometimes relationships between people become complex, to the point that some perceive it to look like a power play. And seriously, I don't enjoy myself at all because of all these human relations kinda complications.

This should not be the case. I think, people tends to misunderstand each other when they dunno each other well enough. It doesn't seems like alot of people understand the virtue of giving "the benefits of the doubt", and prefer to read things negatively. Or perhaps, humans are inheritantly pessimistic. Then people starts to do things that are in contrary to the bigger picture, whether they realise it or not. I'm trying my best to see what I can do to help resolve all these little conflicts and misunderstandings, before they gradually pile up into a pile of intangible mess over time, but eventually, people really need to change their attitudes... mutually.

I personally believed and I hoped, that everyone join singing club out of the passion for music, and that since everyone share the same interest, everyone should get along quite well. In chinese, there's this word called "知音人", means "someone who understands you", or directly translated as "someone who knows your music". Regardless of whether you're excos or seniors, performing or events, welcome to a home of music lovers. The excos are only holding a post so that they can be responsible for ensuring the smooth running of the club. It doesn't indicate superiority. And for the excos, I hope that while we are all pulled into all this adminstrative maelstorm, we don't forget that we are also still in this club because we love music, albeit we each might have different visions for how to advance the club.

At the end of the day, I wish that I can just tell everyone this openly, but I'll be naive to think that everything will work out well by everyone just reading this entry. People are more likely to take this entry negatively, rather than constructively. So I've said my one cent worth... (actually is worth less than that since this entry would amount to nothing eventually).

1st entry

Hmm... This is the 3rd blog I've ever made. 1st blog was intended for close friends, 2nd for personal ranting. Thought I should have one that is at least open to public, for those who are keen to know more about me. Hmm... At least, it's somewhere that I plan to debate on controversial stuffs, and see if I could get some opinions. Controversial stuffs? Read on~

I was just reading abit about City Harvest Church. Been there before myself, at least for 2 of their functions. All the controversy surrounding them since their existence, as well as all the bad encounters with Christians have made me somewhat bitter about their religion, and some of their believers. For now, let's just focus on CHC. Hmm... Last I read off other webby and thinking about some friends from there, it seemed like after they attended CHC, they seemed especially driven towards earning money. Seemed like prosperity is their God-given blessing... Perhaps they are trying to proved they are those blessed by God, which explains their dilligence, or...? I'm not sure if someone whom I've known betrayed her passion for music for money/"God" did so for the same reason. It's kinda sad, really. I kept wanting to believe that people who can appreciate music ain't inheritantly that superficial, not to mention a wee despicable after a recent SMS...

I know of yet another friend, who was a rather misguided teen in his earlier teenagehood, until he went to CHC. I dunno him that long to know to what degree is that change, but apparently the "new" him that the rest of us have always known is always perceive as alittle strange... sometimes smiling to himself, and seemingly silly most of the time. Quite sometime ago, he even wanted to borrow a few hundred bucks from me to go into some MLM investments. I had my doubts though since he's sorta a good friend of mine during army days, I'm inclined to trust him. Eventually, my parents advised me against it. I haven't heard much from him since then.

Recent media coverage has also highlighted the topic of Christians from the same church (COOS) attempting to hijack a secular group (AWARE). That is not to mention that the key conspirator (or so it seems) is an MP, who's also from the same church. And strangely enough, the church's pastor attempt to claim that there was no attempt on the church itself to organise such a coup, even though their official website is very specific about being anti-homosexual practices. The issue of homosexualism would be discussed at a later date, I guess. Just sidetracking a little to show how misguided/unwise Christians have become, in the name of their God. It seems people have the tendency to speak of behalf, and even use God as their shield to cover for their own selfishness. I "applaud" at this level of despicability.

The bottomline? I try to stay neutral towards christians, despite my disagreement in their belief. At the end of the day, no one crosses the line, I'll stay on my own side of the line. Personally though, I feel that actions are more important than what each others' faith is. If the objective is to bring out the good in everyone and help each other out, why not? Still... If I'm the pastor of CHC, I rather be forking out the money to send Christians overseas on missions to aid people in third world countries and those hit by natural disasters, than spend it on lavish decorations and stage, etc. I did remember there's some particular statements about the church should not be built lavish, but I'm not a bible person to remember verse and the gospel it's from.

I've said my two-cents worth on this topic. I'm expecting some level of flaming should this blog go public and someone reads this. But I'll still like to make a disclaimer that it's not meant to be a sweeping statement. It's just these bigots and some disappointment from friends/family that I'm rather tired with Christianity in general.


After I've press the publish button, I'm lead to a confirmation webby with an ad on Scientology. One Bible, so many interpretation, and everyone's claiming they are right and following the Bible. I can't help but think that Present-Day Christianity Teachings are already merely just very personal perspective of the same bible. There claims to be no interpretation, but people still need some level of interpretation to apply them anyway, and will always do so in the way they think makes most sense to account for what they would like to believe the bible intends to teach.