Aloof

Has been abt 3 weeks since I last blog. A good number of miscellaneous things happened and it has been in the passing. Nothing really worth particular mention. Perhaps that's why it's rather depressing, actually. Somehow, the grass always looks greener on the other side; everyone else seems to be living more interesting lives than me.

These days, I've been thinking alot about myself. No. I'm not narcissistic. I'm just thinking about my image. As a singing club active member, we've been trained to be... shall i use the word "shameless"? Ironically, this "shameless" is achieved via sincerity, a desire to act as someone whom i really would want to be, even though the act may sucks. In school, there are some group of friends who know about me more than they need to, and mostly alot who doesn't really know me much. But whichever side it is, it seems that the social bridgings on both sides seems to be slowly eroding away. It's like friends have slowly become acquaintances, but not like through some sorta betrayal or fallout with each other. Everyone becomes some kinda familiar strangers. A good friend of mine quote an accurate word that aptly describes me (although he intended it for someone else).

"Aloof"

Sometimes, I wish that things between people are abit easier. I wish people could juz hold my hands and guide me what am I supposed to do to maintain all these. But I guess everyone learns it the hard way... trial and error. Some people are naturally lucky to be blessed with a silver tongue, while others are... inherently "aloof" but am trying to do something about it.

2010

Happy New Year, 2010.

There's this saying: At 1:11am/pm, if you're thinking of someone, someone would also be thinking of you.

I wasn't thinking of anyone. And haven't been able to think of someone at 1.11am/pm for years already.

I was angry, and went out for a walk for an hr plus. Fireworks and cheers and colorful lights when the new year transcends. But I'm juz a shadow under a rainbow bridge.

Who knows what face hide beneath the masquerade mask?

Of Christmas, Debates and Animes

I had a rather nice Christmas Eve this year. I'm pretty proud of the salad I've made. I had to experiment doing it like 2 days before Christmas Eve. Glad everyone likes it at the Christmas Eve Potluck gathering with my small group of friends. I've gotten pretty much the best present I could have chosen during the present exchange: A box of chocolate. I would have gladly shared them at the party, since a number of my friends returned to the Singles' Club.

Christmas is over, and now I feel poorer than before. Sigh. Thankfully, no gambling was involved this year.

Juz tried to start watching an anime last night (though i really need to start studying instead!): Fullmetal Alchemist. There was one episode that was quite disturbing. A father, in order to continue being a State Alchemist, performed fusion between his only daughter and their family dog, to create a Chimera that could understand human language... And previously, people thought that his wife was long dead. It was revealed that the 1st work that earned him the status of State Alchemist was none other than the chimera fusion of his wife and a dog, which only said once that it wanted to die, then gradually died as a result of refusing to eat.

Last night, I also got myself into a debate with a facebook friend from... Indonesia? We were discussing about a phrase:

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory - Friedrich Engels

And of course, all the sociological stuffs starts to flood my mind. I'm supposed to have disposed them since months ago! Oh well. Anyway, I was ranting about my displeasure of the education system in general. I'll save the details here. But at the end of the debate, it was nice to knowing 2 foreign intellectuals from Indonesia and Canada.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I'm drowning myself in the "divine sorrow" of Damien Rice's rendition of "Hallelujah", alone in this dark room of mine. It's healthier than going for a drink. The night feels long. I'm going to "enjoy" this.

Of 0s, 1s and 9s

There are some people in this world, who try as they might, still remain insignificant.

Consider the case of 0.4. Everyone seems to start off as this number. Round it off to the nearest whole number, it's 0.

Some people tried hard, to change themselves, for the sake of themselves and others. Celebrated cases typically gets "broadcasted"/"idolised". They've become 0.5 or greater, which rounds them of to 1. But the less known, yet more common scenerio is when people ended up adding more 9s behind their decimal. 0.49. 0.499. 0.4999. 0.49999. Whatever they do, they still end up as 0 when rounded up to nearest whole number.

Perhaps in that case, by adding 1 more person to your life, only will your existence be significant; A significance shared by 2 person; Finding the other half.

Living in this big universe, people end up feeling small and insignificant. Perhaps that's why people get together. At the end of the long equations of life, I wonder what number will I end up as. Or perhaps, it's more important that we accept who we are, so that we are internally whole?

(Perceived self value / "Real" self value = 0.4 / 0.4 = 1)

On this note, here's 1 of my fav song that cross my mind at this point of time:

The Scientist - Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

For Better, For Worse

I finally get on with what I've been wanting to add to this blog: Music. Self-recorded version, if I might "proudly" say so. Still trying to improve my singing. There's like plenty of flaws. So whoever visits my blog, please bear with my horrendous singing until I somehow fix it someday.

Had a talk with a close friend this afternoon. Was actually advised by him that I should meet up with whoever I was talking about on my blog for the past few days. To clear things up, for better or for worse. Sounds like a good idea actually, though i need more time to be mentally prepared for the worst. I'm not very level-headed when it comes to this.

Drinking

Today's the last day of reservice. It rained heavily. Close friends would know what's the implications.

In the evening, there's some kinda cohesion event going on with all reservice platoons. There were some rather... insignificant prizes to be won, and beer. Really diluted Tiger Beer. There's no aftertaste of malt. Only bitter water that bites the throat. I expected better drinks. I'm not a frequent drinker, but I drink only when I need to.

True. Many might argue over what's the purposes of drinking. It doesn't taste good. People tends to cause trouble or become a nuisance when they overdrink. It's not good for the liver.
... But, it offers courage when needed, or reduce sobriety when there's no need for them. Drinking doesn't solve problems, but when being too sober doesn't solve problems either, at least it knocks you out of the pain for that night. And hopefully... just hopefully... things will get better tomorrow. It's like... panadol. Actually it's better than it since panadol actually resides in your system for many weeks, while alcohol is flush out of your system completely in a day or 2, save for any burns to the liver and stomach.

What am I to do with the sober me now?

This song, is me now:

A Bitter Song by Butterfly Boucher

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
I feel better
I feel better