Friday, September 25, 2009

The Burden of Proof

It is easy to be a bad guy, by simply not attempting to explain myself anymore and walking away. I'm tired of having to always bear the burden of proof... to prove myself innocent, or reason for what I do. Even more tired is when the reasons for my act are not meant for the ears, or that exposing them could result in much greater trouble.

My mood hasn't been quite right for the past 1 week plus. Probably being emotionally tired about being obliged to duties in my club, expecting stress since i'm also taking a law subject this year, as well as family commitment which there is no way I can speak to any third party about. All these are wearing me down at the same time.

Club-wise, as I mentioned before, I think I'm pushed it abit too much that now the other exco clubmates are taking much of my duties, albeit with seemingly less trust in me now. To be honest, I'm not actually doing alot anymore, esp since after the most recent club event finally started and on the run already. But I'm still trying to push any little duties away just because I'm sick of it. Either that, or I took it very reluctantly.

Family-wise, i never have a family that really listen to me. They usually just want an ear, and want me to understand them and do their biddings, and usually I would end up starting a quarrel which end up me doing their biddings anyway, just because they got no one better to depend on. I don't have a choice. I'm an only child. And who said that an only child is spoilt? Of late, they got me to commit into something that I could not choose to refuse, and it's time consuming cos it'll easily take 3 - 4 hrs every night. And no, I'm not to tell anyone what's that. Am I supposed to tell that to a bunch of clubmates excos, who strictly speaking, we're not on the term yet to even start talking about heart-to-heart very personal stuffs? I'm not obliged to reveal my family problems to them, although they are not obliged to take my explanation.

So what happen this time? I think I'll just stop explaining for myself... at least in front of anyone. I'll keep my rantings to my blog. Let me be the bad guy. Not like telling the truth and exposing other people's secret actually makes me a good person anyway.

Enough about me.

I read a news earlier on about this NUS guy who ejaculated on a PRC lady. Already posted my comments and analysis there, under the alias Q-Square:

http://temasekreview.com/2009/09/24/top-nus-grad-chong-weien-jailed-for-ejaculating-onto-china-national/comment-page-1/#comment-29009

Here's the court statement: http://lwb.lawnet.com.sg/legal/lgl/rss/subcourts/63869.html

I personally thought there are still doubtful points in the circumstance evidences and victim's statement. But actually just looking at the brainless comments people make, most ppl are all too keen to place the burden of proof upon those with past record. People don't even read up the court statements, and too keen to give negative comments. What the society currently is, is no different from the era of time when people burn Joan of Arc on the stake. I digressed a wee too far, but I don't meant to say the judge is being completely irrational, given that most of the environmental evidences are infavorable to the accused, although not exceedingly. I'm just commenting about the people who made brainless comments.

I hope I really could get a respite from all these turmoils in my life soon, although being alive for 24 years taught me otherwise...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Inspirations for new songs?

It's like... 6.51am in the morning, and I'm still awake since last night. I guess my biological clock was ruined since I've been having this cycle previously as a result of home commitments and club commitments. Sometimes, life don't give you a break, but I try not to break anyone else as a result of my own commitments. I think I'm pushing it abit too much when I'm making things difficult for some people by fussing about the amount of workload I have. But I can't help to worry that if things continue the way it is now, I wouldn't be able to cope with my studies... Not to mention I might not even be able to pay up for my third year studies... Need to earn as much as I can to offset the amount of financial support my parents need to give me...

My mom just woke up. Glad she finally slept well last night. And suddenly, she's in the mood for morning walk in the hillpark behind my house. Thought I'll accompany her so it's safer. So should be leaving home anytime now. Will be back for... sleep, after the walk. I'm in the mood to take a walk too. There's alot of things on my mind, but I think a morning walk is a good source of inspiration for songwriting. Haven't wrote a single piece in years. Maybe too much braincells died after exams, insomnia, army and the process of "growing up", that tunes no longer automatically appear in my mind anymore. My world has become so... disenchanted.

I've finished watching 仙剑奇侠传3 over a week ago. I seldom take note of the musics from Mainland China. Heard some good songs from there. This one touches me the most, since it reminds me of a past relationship many years ago that I have yet to completely let go off my mind:

郑中基 - 答应不爱你
明明爱很清晰 却又接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 爱早已融入呼吸
不存在的存在心底

虽然很努力 练习着忘记
我的心却还没答应可以放弃了你
真的对不起 答应了你不再爱你
我却还没答应我自己

明明爱很清晰 却要接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 就让爱融入空气
不存在的存在心底

说好要忘记 偏偏又想起
原来我的心还没有答应放弃了你
真的对不起 虽然曾经答应了你
我却还没答应我自己
却又如何真的不爱你

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Rantings

There's just too much commitments. Just can't breath. It's not helping when there are things which I can't say, or commitments which I don't get to let go off. Things are just... thrusted upon me, like i'm the only saint who can save the world.

7.03am. What kinda of person is awake through the night working at home? Just done with some commitment stuffs at home. I haven't slept since last night, and now i'm wide awake. Or maybe, i'm not even sure if i really have a fix sleeping time anymore. Actually, this has been my cycle for the past 1 week plus. Having a headache now. I surely don't mind a panadol overdose. To make things worse, my hp would ring juz when i'm going to fall asleep, only to be disturbed by trivia matters. Of course, I couldn't blame others since how many ppl actually slept at 7am in the morning and only awake at 6pm in the evening?

Mood: Bad.

Song in my mind at the moment: Elephant (Damien Rice)

Well this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top

Well, you can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why'd you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
Is easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
Or d'you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me thorny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie