Obligations

In the business world, there are alot of obligations: The economical obligations to stakeholders, the legal obligations to the local law, the social obligations to the customers, etc. Some are written black and white. Some are communicated verbally. And there are others that are intrinsic.

The latter is the one that's the most dangerous everyday social relationships. In courtship, people carries expectation for each other, expecting their partners to be absolutely faithful, binding and be able to understand them and be understanding and caring to each other. The slightest incident, or even just one party having a bad day could juz ruin a relationship, juz because the other party didn't feel cared, felt betrayed, etc. In family, parents have high expectations for their kids, sometimes it's for themselves, and other times it's for them or the whole family. Kids by nature already carry with them a burden they do not have an option to let go, unless they denounce their family. As for amongst friends, we form expectations of each other, like "A good friend is someone who is there for me whenever I need them, and will go through hot and cold together". But when their friend/s are weighed by their own burdens that they cannot fulfill these expectations, they'll see people in a different light.

Quite some time ago, one of my poly days friend kept in touch with me. Of the stuffs we spoke about, she recalled that I had a good friend during poly days. Strangely, I couldn't recall that, other than the fact that I've been mostly a loner before coming into university. She said that there's this other guy name KC, who hanged out with me most of the time. Then I remembered. He was someone whom I really trust alot. He was a gd friend, who would meet me up in sch whenever I'm free. Then, I couldn't remember was it during 2nd year or the final year, everyone was rushing projects. There was one of the evening in sch when I was really frustrated with all the hectic rushing of projects through several nights, project group meetups, missing members and whatever that was happening at home at that point of time. He asked me for help one week before one of the project datelines, when i haven't even completed mine too. He asked that when I've just finished my project meeting and it was like 7pm in the sch lab already. He sounded damn desperate at that point of time. But it didn't got into me, cos i was overwhelmed with my own problems. I rejected to help him. I felt I need a break, and I also admit to being abit selfish that I had this thought: "Why should I help you to score, when it's not like after that anyone or even you could help me with my own projects? I'm just as desperate as you!". It was a mistake. Since after that day, he didn't initiate to meet me up. When we meet each other along the common corridor, he would say hi, but he wouldn't even talk more already. The look in his eyes was totally different, like as if i've become another passerby along the streets, rather than that of a friend. And I never did explain myself to him. Till this day, there are times when I felt that I could have averted that had I just helped him. But it's just not fair... I had my burdens too at that point of time, and I'm supposed to lose this friend just cos' I'm at my capacity already! After all the final year project submissions, I only remembered managing to find an abandoned stairway to cry. Over the lost of a friend. Over the likelihood of failing my FYPs. Over not being able to withstand more stress than I can. It rained in the later afternoon that day, and i had abit of a drink too.

The reason why I'm blogging about this topic is because I sensed I'm about to lose yet another friend this way, but this time with her putting too expectations on me, just because I'm capable of, just as my ex-buddy during poly days. Scenarios are abit different now though. Even though strictly speaking she's not my buddy as comparable to my ex-buddy, but i never like having enemies or having bad bloods with people. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it's really because she treats me as someone trustworthy, that she keeps asking me for help, or that I'm just a very reliable "tool". And truth is, I'm absolutely tired of everyone, friends and family putting their burdens onto me, just because they got no one else they can depend on. Expectations became obligations, and when i don't give them what they want, or fail to do it well, I'll take the blame. What am I? Batman, who has to face angry citizens even after saving Gotham City, filled with self-serving citizens? I am VERY angry now. What the hell am I supposed to do?